He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize
