I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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