Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
You did what with his pubic hair?
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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