I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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