And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I just googled if crying burns calories
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
