That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
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