fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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