remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
Randomize
