You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
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