all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Randomize
