you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
