Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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