Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
