evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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