Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I just forgot I was standing up.
Randomize
