yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
