you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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