Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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