I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
