I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize
