Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Randomize
