You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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