There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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