he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
Randomize
