yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
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