you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Randomize
