Swine flu. Run for my life!
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Randomize
