I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
