god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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