I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
