she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Randomize
