my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
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