i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Randomize
