Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
