It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Randomize
