So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
