I want to make a zoo with you.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
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