The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Randomize
