Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
