How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Randomize
