I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
Randomize
