i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
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