is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
