Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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