I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
