you're like a bully in the Christmas story
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
