when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Randomize
