I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
