Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
i just made my gag reflex go away.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
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