i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
