i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
