3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Randomize
